How can I stop procrastinating so much?

I received this question, and another question about how to make time for creativity when one has a demanding job [which is a really good question, and is something I’ve been thinking about recently. I’m happy about this one].

I’m going to merge the two questions into one, and answer it within the next few days.

Advice

I’m still doing that whole advice thing—the only issue is that no questions have come in. So I can’t really answer anything if I don’t have anything to answer. 

And I know I still have two more parts of “How To Be Awesome” left to write, but I haven’t really been motivated, on account of the lack of advice solicitation.

I am an advice whore. Solicit me.

Fitted hats?

k.light asked:

If your best friend wants to buy a fitted hat about New Jersey, how do you handle the situation?  Do you smack the living shit out of him?  Or do you just laugh and deal with it?

Seriously need advice, bro.

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GOOD QUESTION, BRO.

There are many reasons why one would choose to wear such a hat. Perhaps your friend has a large head that isn’t suited to the previous forms of headwear he has experimented with, or maybe he finds himself spending a lot of time in the lamest state in America [Pennsylvania] and he wants to let bitches know what the deal is. Perhaps your friend is far too gangster to hold it in all the time. Perhaps he has the general melody of “Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta Fuck Wit” pulsing through his heart at all times. Perhaps dark sunglasses aren’t enough, and he needs to cover his head with something that provides a more substantial shadowing of the face, because he doesn’t want people to rape his eyes with their eyes by looking at him like they know him and just have the privilege to do so.

I say you go with it. Or you could smack the shit out of him. He might be confused about the whole thing in the first place, and needs some form of guidance.

But be very careful, because this is probably a very dangerous individual you’re dealing with. And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.

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Jealousy?

Aetatiss asked:

What do you think is the best way to overcome jealousy and insecurity?

This is a pretty difficult question to answer. It’s simple, but in a Zen kōan sort of way—which is to say that it is incredibly complex, but the answer is probably obvious and sitting right in front of us in plain sight. Because I’m not a Buddhist monk, my answer is almost definitely going to lack the kind of wisdom and clarity that you—and the rest of us—probably need. But I’ll try my best.

A person can enjoy the slavery of jealousy. If everything in a sexual relationship can be broken down into give and take, then the sexual aspect of that is basically just a distillation. Sometimes we want beer, sometimes we want whisky. A real, committed, live-in-relationship is like whisky. There is no watering it down. You can ignore it, and live a lie, but then it just burns—like cheap, gas station whisky. There’s no drunkenness, because it tastes too bad to swallow, and there are no subtleties and complexities. I think that many of us want that initial feeling of alcohol hitting your system, the burn in the back of the throat, and the bad decisions that go along with it. Jealousy is one of those bad decisions—but it comes with the territory. If you love something, you want to stick it in a foot thick steel box in a climate controlled room far away from anything that can hurt it—but then it ceases to be something that you can love. We, human beings, tend to do this with everything, not just people. Art is kept in vaults to guarantee its safety, expensive sports cars are driven once a month, gardens are gated, and much of the civilized world is to be seen and not touched. You could even make the argument that expensive things are just there to cause jealousy, and to never really be enjoyed.

If you love someone you love someone. I don’t think that you can really have a healthy relationship with a high level of jealousy, but, honestly, who has a healthy relationship? If you open up a psychology text book and read it from start to finish, you’ll find that almost every single relationship you have with anyone or anything is dramatically unhealthy. Just your relationship with your pet might make you a high functioning lunatic.

You have to define healthy for yourself. Does your relationship make you happy? Do you want to stay in it? Why do you want to stay in it? Are your reasons stupid? Are you lying to yourself? If you answer those questions honestly—which can sometimes be nearly impossible—then you’ll have some clarity. 

To take this a bit further, I want to say that I don’t see jealousy and insecurity as the same thing. You can have jealousy without insecurity. The insecurity is the issue. Jealousy, like fear—to take a line from Hunter S Thompson—is something that should be kept in front of you, because it might have to be killed at any moment. Insecurity is a complete lack of control. If you’re truly insecure about something, and you can’t do anything about that insecurity, it’s time to do some serious soul searching. Jealousy means that you care, insecurity means the exact opposite. If you’re jealous when your partner is talking to someone else, or is out at a party without you, or is texting an ex, it simply means that you’re being selfish and want the partner to yourself. That’s fine, as long as you keep it under control. Insecurity means—and this is going to sound incredibly obvious and slightly insulting, but please don’t take it that way—that you are insecure in the relationship itself. Perhaps you know that the relationship is not a good one, and that you’re afraid of it falling apart in a way that has been obvious from the beginning. Extreme insecurity usually means that there is something blatantly obvious to be insecure about.

There are different kinds of love, and there are different reasons to have different relationships—but, unfortunately, these are often very, very hard to decipher. We lie to ourselves when we don’t have the strength to face the truth. Everything is easier with infinite money and good looks and strength and clarity of mind. But none of us have all of those things. Meditate over the issue as though you do have all of those things, and move forward accordingly.

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GUYS:

I’m sorry for taking so long with your advice. I still have 5 questions to answer, and they’ve just been sitting there for two weeks. I’ve been Reaganing, and I haven’t had time to get to them. 

I WILL GET TO THEM AS SOON AS I HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO OFFER YOU QUALITY FUCKING ADVICE. 

Iceland?

thirdfloorngaparou asked:

Should I move to Iceland? It’s expensive and small. It’s beautiful and fascinating. I think I love it. But I love so many places. I’m afraid I want to move here just to move anywhere. Just to have a place that is home base. But then, it might be a bad idea to pick as a home a place I can never really be anything but a foreigner.

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Why wouldn’t you move to Iceland? It’s beautiful and it’s quite possibly the best place to live in the entire world. You can enjoy great quality of life, and no one will think “pussy” when you tell them that you live in Iceland. It’s like Canada, but it’s not Canada. Fuck, it’s better than Canada.

Their prime minister is a lesbian and is married to a writer. You really can’t have a better sign of freedom and equality. This cunt is the best we in America have managed in the last 50 years, and he is totally and completely full of shit. And it seems like our bullshit finally rubbed off on Canada—now those poor bastards have to deal with having this fucking mutant as a prime minister, and getting laughed at by Americans for being Canadian. Everything is fucked, but Iceland seems to be one of the few places that has an acceptable percentage of its shit together. 

Also, there is no such thing as home, and you will always be a foreigner no matter where you go. Everything is changing too fast for any of us to have something that can be recognized as “home” for any extended period of time. And if you really fit in anywhere, you’re probably not a very interesting person. To hell with ideas of home and fitting in—move to Iceland and be awesome.

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After what turned out to be a weird hour long episode of melancholic nostalgia spent looking at photos of A&P online, I’ve decided that today I do actually have time to answer some advice. If I can read about A&P for an hour without realizing that time is passing, I can answer a question.

Also, I really miss Eight O’Clock coffee’s old packaging. I fucking hate when companies change their image. I’ve never once seen a redesign that looks better than the original. A heritage trend bigger than anyone can measure*, and these fucking morons decide to change their logo. 

*And a Consumer Reports article that shows Eight O’Clock to be the best grocery store coffee. What more could a company ask for?

GUYS, I’M GOING TO GIVE SOME MORE ADVICE SOON.

I STILL HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS LEFT TO ANSWER, AND 2 MORE PARTS OF “HOW DOES ONE BECOME AWESOME, BUT IF YOU WANT TO ASK FOR ADVICE, JUST ASK, AND I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU.

ASK ME FOR ADVICE, AND I WILL SET YOUR WORLD STRAIGHT.

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AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, BECAUSE TUMBLR IS CONSTANTLY BEING A FUCKING DILDO AND CAUSING MY SUBMIT PAGE TO GO DOWN, ASK FOR ADVICE HERE.

Shorts on men? How, and how long?

creativecore asked:

On a man, how short of shorts are too short?  I’m a tall guy (6’3”) so I have a hard time finding shorts that fit.  Would I appear to be too much of an old dude by wearing shorts that only go a little more than halfway down my thigh while standing?

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I have to start this by saying that I don’t think guys should ever wear shorts. I just don’t think they look very good. I don’t even own any shorts. When it gets really hot out, I wear linen pants. Thin chinos are also a good option when it’s hot. A major issue with shorts is footwear—what do you wear with them? Sandals are out of the question, because they’re the single ugliest thing a guy could ever put on his feet. If you’re going to wear sandals, you might as well go out in a bath robe. Do you wear sneakers? You can, but they need to be a certain kind, so you don’t end up looking like a complete asshole. Boat shoes are a definite option, as are driving shoes, but I absolutely hate the way they look, so I never wear them.

Now, if you don’t give a shit about any of that, and you definitely want to wear shorts, I have some advice.

You asked a question with specific regard to the length, but I’m going to go ahead and do my best to outline shorts in general.

Do not purchase shorts that go over the knee. You’ll end up looking like a thirteen year old boy. There is no way around this. Well, there is, but it involves a large beard and lots and lots of weight lifting, and even then you’ll look a little off. Long shorts make a strong statement of inadequacy. Long cargo shorts and an MMA t-shirt tell me that you have strong urges to suck cox n dix but will always go to great lengths to beat on any male who might seem slightly effeminate out of a visceral urge to seem straight. Long khaki shorts with a crisp crease down the center tell me that you’re here to bring me towels or to refresh my too-expensive resort iced tea. Long denim shorts just tell me that you’re from somewhere in the far reaches of West Virginia and have never been into a shopping mall.

So, with all of that said, my advice for shorts is the same advice I would give about chinos: always plain front, never denim or denimesque, never the five pocket variety, and make sure they fit properly. Length should be just above the knee*. Here’s a good example. I strongly recommend that you never, ever tuck your shirt in while wearing shorts. Shorts are the exact opposite of all things formal and, in my opinion, should never be dressed up in any way at all. Any attempt to do so will probably make you look like a caricature of an english school boy.

If you really do want to wear denim, I recommend that you take an existing pair of jeans and cut them to length. This is how you get that sweet fringe. And cut them as high as you can. You want the shorts to constrict you as little as possible. You want to be able to go wide, really wide. Here are two good examples.

I hope this cleared things up for you. Thank you for your question.

*With regard to finding a proper size for your height, I don’t think it’s as much of an issue as it seems to be. If the shorts are 2-4 inches above your knee, they’re just going to make you look taller, which is usually a good thing. I don’t think they’ll make you look like an old dude. 6’3 is pretty tall, but I doubt the shorts are going to look odd unless they’re more than 4 inches above the top of your knee cap. If they are, you might want to buy a good pair of chinos and take them to a tailor.

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How does one become awesome? Part 1: What Is Awesome?

Eveing asked: 

How does one become awesome?

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In order to become Awesome, one must first define Awesome.

Here are some random things that are awesome:

Charlie Fucking Kelly:

http://youtu.be/WqBAPcVs5xM

http://youtu.be/XjJNFlXmsRQ

http://youtu.be/BClZx2W1Hsg

http://youtu.be/wdcsqsIjnvM

http://youtu.be/W9K1XuYt9Vw

http://youtu.be/ZI4tp9ZMERI

http://youtu.be/ekpH58Ul4Fw

http://youtu.be/N3kUK9Dq1n0

John Hurt:

http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/44-inch-chest/profile-old-man-peanut

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPCkKXEfZzE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUVsDy0sc3k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKvYgT5upM0

This guy

Hunter S Thompson

Your blog

This

Movies

Books

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A major aspect of Awesome is its ambiguity. When you see an awesome person, you often think, What the fuck is this person doing? They seem crazy. They’re bat-shit-fucking-crazy, but they seem pretty awesome. You can’t really figure it out, and that’s part of the attraction.

Being awesome is about balance. You might be wondering exactly what I mean by that, especially when we take into consideration the fact that I cited Hunter S. Thompson as an example of Awesome. Hunter S. Thompson was completely fucking insane. He shot himself in the head simply because he thought it to be a reasonable way to die. He did more drugs than any normal human being could handle because he felt that it helped his creative process. He was also one of the best writers in American history. I personally believe that Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and The Great Gatsby are equal to each other, and both hold the top spot of Best American Book Ever Written. Most people tend to be dildos. There is no balance when you work in a cubicle and pay a mortgage and have two kids and a wife and go to church and get along with your parents and don’t drink. That lifestyle is completely tilted in one direction: the dildo direction. But that isn’t the only example. A person can be completely fucking insane and do more drugs than seems humanly possible and be entertaining as hell, but that doesn’t mean they’re awesome, and it doesn’t mean that they’re not a complete asshole. Awesome is getting brownout drunk, puking IN THE BATHROOM, brushing your teeth and washing your hands, and then making a perfect souffle for your friends while drinking a few more beers. Awesome is when they look at you like you just came from mars, and then eat the souffle and wonder how they never knew that you could cook, and then they all look at each other and not one of them has an explanation. Awesome is not getting brownout drunk and then vomiting on your friend’s couch and then falling asleep in said vomit.

Awesome is many things. It is elusive, authentic and rare. Awesome is being able to hide your fears and neuroses simply because you understand that they are not you. Awesome is something that happens when you finally manage to just be. I would say be yourself, but that has connotations of misrepresentation and kitsch. Awesome is whoever you are at your core. Some people find it when they’re children, and they never let it go—some people die without ever setting their eyes on it. And I’m not really sure if you’ll know whether or not you’ve attained it. There’s probably some humility involved.

Part 2 should be help to provide a more holistic representation of what Awesome is, so please, everyone, make sure that you come back to read part 2 of 3: CATS! And How They Represent Awesome.

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Loneliness

awkwardbreak.com asked:

How does one make the loneliness that persists even when among other people go away? I have tried cookies.

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First and foremost, give these a quick once-over:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solipsism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness#As_human_condition

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sartre

There isn’t an acceptable answer to this question. If you’re not a complete fucking moron, it will never go away.

I deal with it by drinking. I drink and then I feel better. This doesn’t work for some people. If I were you, I would experiment with different chemical substances, different kinds of people and, if you have any proclivities in this regard, sexual orientations. It’s my understanding that people feel lonely when they’re not really sure who they actually want to fuck.

All of that is quite vague, I know. I honestly do believe that the idiocy issue is paramount. If you can dumb yourself down, really try to make yourself stupider, if even for a short while, you might be able to get somewhere. Small children get hours of enjoyment from stretching their dicks and throwing food around. I’ve found, as an adult, that I can only get 15 minutes or so of enjoyment from playing with my dick, and I can only find pleasure in throwing food around if I’m really drunk. I’ve also found, as an adult, that the consequences for throwing food around are much worse, and people look at you with much more disdain.

I don’t think that cookies will help much at all, and it seems as though you’ve come to the same conclusion.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of more help, but I do recommend that you try copious amounts of alcohol. I like bourbon, but I think most people prefer vodka. Stay away from the mixed drinks. And read some Burroughs, if you haven’t already, for an opinion about heroin.

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